This is a picture of my Mom on a trip we took just two months before she past away. She was with all her children and grandchildren at a family wedding and we were having a blast. Life was great! We were making plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas, you know what all families do. This year right after our girls shopping trip she was having knee surgery so we were working on those details. She needed to coordinate who would help her wrap her presents and who would help her bake.
We didn't know she was very sick. She didn't know either. The pain from her knee was masking the pain from the tumors in her stomach. It was all so quick. So unexpected! She died 17 days after she went in for knee surgery.
Now, I am telling you all this because I learned so much from my friends during this time. Things I think you need to know! I see on Facebook all the time someone say my (fill in the blank) is in the hospital. And their close friends all seem to say the same things, "praying". Or "if there is anything I can do".
Well, here is what you can do. Don't ask! They honestly don't know what they need. They want the nightmare to be over. Honestly, I was in a state of denial. I am the most take charge person you will ever meet and I could not tell you one thing I needed. And yet, looking back I can tell you 40 things I needed!!
1. Don't ask!
If you know other friends contact them and coordinate on their behalf. First, They need a hospital goodie bag. What is a hospital goodie bag? Well, a friend brought me one! It had everything I needed in it while I was sitting there with my mom.
Hospital Goodie Bag
Water
Crackers
Gum
Lip balm
Hand cream
Candy bars
Tea
Granola bars
Snack packs of cookies
Pretezels
Notepad/pen (so you can write down what the doctor says or questions)
Crossword puzzles
I like to take a sweater or shawl to people in the summer or spring. (Hospital rooms are cold and the people staying with them are usually freezing!)
Do they have pets at home? Just ask where a key is so you can feed them or is a neighbor taking care of them.
Do they have children?? I had 4 at home. I had a college age daughter at the time. So she could babysit her siblings. My sister who lives out of town, her friends were very helpful! They bought gift cards and sent them to my daughter so she could buy dinner while we were at the hopital. They didn't even live in our city and were taking care of our needs! Needs I could not.
Y'all those gift cards feed my kids for 2 weeks! There are meal trains you can set up, those are easy.
I guess my husband did the laundry? I know I didn't! But, I have often thought you just need to show up and do laundry, clean the house or hire some one to do it. Those are things that have to be done and when you are going through such a hard time you can not do it.
My mom died at Christmas time. We buried her on the 20 th. My brothers and sisters decided to do Christmas at her house one last time. So, I went on up with my 4 kids to her house which was an hour and a half from my house. I had nothing baked, nothing wrapped and of course no Christmas spirit. But 3 of the ladies Mom worked with and were her friends met us at the house. They brought dinner and wrapped every single present. That was my extra gift that year from my Mother! The gift of friendship!!
I remember Susan saying she wished she could do more to help me. She felt bad because all she did was wrap presents. My children wouldn't have had anything to unwrap if she hadn't been here! I needed her!! I didn't or would never have asked anyone to wrap my gifts. She just showed up with scissors, tape and help! Oh! And dinner!!!
The personal experience with my Mom made me realize. You won't ever ask for help. Not because your too proud. You just can't. You don't know you need it. It is honestly like you are walking in a fog.
We will all go through things every now and then...it is just part of life. So, this is how I look at it with my friends. When I am in the fog of a tragic situation. Just love me. Don't judge me. Don't judge how I act. If you show up and do my laundry don't judge my mess! And when you are in the fog of a tragic situation I will give you the same respect. Nothing that is said or done will be held against you. Because I know you are not yourself.
May you never need me! And may I never need you!!
-LisaB
Post a Comment